Scribbles of ambivalence

While looking for materials to update my blog, I came across some drafts  saved  in computer files which were almost forgotten. I have decided to make a series of posts under  the scribbles of ambivalence. This  first draft post was encoded on September 9, 2012.

“Last night, in prayer, I realized I have more to thank the Lord than my perceived deprivation. Until now, there is no medical ruling on  my abnormal condition of heat intolerance pending Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI). What was clear in my previous laboratories are the problem with supply of oxygen to my brain, mitral regurgitation, larger than usual hole on my head. And of course,  hypertension.

While the problem with my heart is already given as it has been consistently manifested since 1975 with two succeeding attacks in 17 years interval, my nerve problem or should I say abnormal sensation is still a mystery. My heart problem, though clearly  existent, is seemingly manageable. Maintaining a stress-free life, healthy lifestyle- keeping watch of food intake with more on vegetables, fruits and fish, less cholesterol laden foodstuff, regular exercise, sleeping habit, self control as far as my emotion/anger, physical activities, meditation. All these are under my control.

What is beyond my control, which always gives me discomfort and makes me vulnerable, is the problem with my adjustment to less ventilated condition. There seems to be a failure in the regulatory system in my body. There is heat sensation inside me all over the body that can be attributed to blood circulation. The moment the external condition is hot, humid and without direct air to hit my head, I become vulnerable to heat exhaustation  leading to heat stroke.  Such condition is  stressful to my heart. My water intake is inexhaustible like an engine experiencing an overheat.  I was hospitalized last Summer 2010 because  of such condition which was nearly fatal, had it not been for the first aid tips I learned from the web.

Most often, I felt distress thinking about it. More so, that it is almost  three years that I became hostage to this situation. That’s why my mobility is limited within the university campus where I also reside. I only find comfort at home and in my office because I have already set up a mechanism to adapt to the environment. But I find discomfort every time I have meetings or appointments outside my comfort zones. Most often, I situate my self in an area with direct hit of air conditioner/electric fan at the discomfort of persons beside me. That’s why I always arrive early in the venue. Failure to do so makes me go out of the room from time to time to refresh myself or leave the meeting the moment the condition is intolerable.  The vulnerable  condition has prevented me to accept engagement/ invitation to meetings outside the campus or city, no matter how I want to go.

A neurologist suspected a problem with my hypothalamus which serves as the heat regulator. Hence, she recommended MRI. But lack of resources constrains me to undergo the process. Once, two friends  provided  me an amount. However, there was no MRI machine in the hospital where he issued a cheque. So, I underwent a nerve study instead. The findings revealed no problem with my nerves. I used the remaining amount for the basic  needs of my family due to necessity.

This condition makes me, from time-to-time, sad, especially the sense of deprivation we experience.  I thought to myself, had I been endowed with resources, I could have known my actual condition and undergo treatment and subsequent relief. On the second thought, I consoled myself from stories about rich people whose health condition was never solved, some getting worse, despite their inexhaustible resources."

(to be continued)

Failures are inevitable, but giving up is unforgivable

Article first published  as Never give up  on May 6, 2012.

My friend Jun Borres, an alumnus of the Department of Social Work, Central Philippine University, inspires me no end. He was the one I referred to in my Never lose hope post. Since then, his text messages are timely and relevant. At times, witty anecdotes that made me laugh. I have expounded some of his messages on my blog. There are three other friends, both pastors, who .like Jun have the gift to inspire people thru their text ministry. Text messages coming from Pastors Russel Ban, Edgardo Daitol and Bebing Tupas always contain inspirational thoughts.

Few days after I pushed myself beyond limits and suffered the consequences, I received this text message from Jun:
                  There is no perfect life. All of us human   beings have failures.  
                  Failures are inevitable, but giving up is unforgivable. 
                  That is why we never should give up. 
                  Rise and shine and do not let yesterday’s failures discourage you.    
                 They are temporary lessons we go through to become better.

Certainly, Jun did not know my condition at the time of his text. In fact, what happened to me was a sort of irony. I was about to draft the sequel to my post Pushing Beyond Limits on another blog which I  interluded with  Earth Day blog. However, my wife’s suggestion during our son’s birthday shifted my focus.  When she saw the need for a larger room  for two boys as they have outgrown their original room, the carpenter’s instinct in me was awakened.

Carpentry and gardening during week-ends had been my outlet for stressful life in the past. They kept me going despite the previous multiple tasks. It was only when I used my week-ends for voluntary extension classes for pastors in the provinces  that the hobbies had been suppressed. A mistake that took a toll on my health resulting to  serious illness in the last quarter of 2009 when still at the peak of service and leadership.

This carpenter’s instinct always challenges me to do the project by myself instead of contracting a skilled worker. Not necessarily for economical reason, though. It is more on the self fulfillment to complete a project outside my skill or expertise. I even remembered last year’s experience while still on a very vulnerable state of health. With my son’s assistance, I managed to construct a recycled make shift hut under the acacia tree beside our house. It served as refuge during day time against the scorching heat of summer aggravated by my unusual nerve disorder.  We also succeeded in making bamboo fences, as he did the digging of holes holing and moving of heavy woods and bamboo stalks. The experience was therapeutic against depression.

Taking cue from my wife’s suggestion, I started to plan out how to convert a space for a larger room for the boys. Working favorably was the long week-end on April 28 for the celebration of the Labor Day on May 1.Hence, I excitedly  worked out  the project forgetting my vulnerability. Too late to realize that the symptoms for the recurrence of my sickness were manifesting as I tried to push myself beyond limits.

Though disappointed, I humbly accepted my failure, giving more  value on my health than the accomplishment . I was forced to slow down and minimize exerting more effort as our female work student assisted me in completing the project longer than expected. Having been with us for quite a long time, she seemed to master my health condition and always at my rescue. My son was not able to assist me this time because of their Vacation Church School.

While we finished the project, my sense of success  was halfhearted. In the process, I was about to give up and leave the work to a professional carpenter. An ambivalent feeling enveloped me. There was more inclination  to blame myself  than feel  happy about the success.  I know it will take some time again to gradually recover from the present  state based on past experiences. It was in this context when the text message of Jun came in. It was timely. I have to rise up from the fall and learn lessons from the mistakes. But  I will never give up the struggle towards full recovery.