Learning lessons on faith, justice and grace

One of the unforgettable experiences I have happened  in General Santos City, the birthplace of the world renowned Filipino boxer- congressman, Manny Pacquiao.  It was during my active years while still the national president of the Convention Baptist Ministers Association.  We were conducting continuing theological classes for pastors under the Institute for Advanced Theological Studies (IATS). The institute is an outreach arm of the College of Theology, Central Philippine University.

As one of the resource persons, I took the privilege to promote the newly designed Master of Socio Pastoral Ministries (MSPM) program for pastors. Two subjects in the seminar were assigned to me, namely: Community Organization and Strategies in Church and Community Mobilizations. These are credited to MSPM program, should participants decide to pursue the course.

Awed by the relevance of the community organizing process in their pastoral work, participants actively participated in the discussion. I was presenting the stages in community organization designed by the University of the Philippines, a premier state university in the country when interrupted by a simple looking old minister. He was so excited to share his experiences similar to the theories presented. With hesitation, he asked whether the process they did can be related to the stages discussed. When I gave the affirmation, in disbelief he blurted out: “Kon amo, maalam gali kami, Pastor?” Implying how wise/intelligent they are to rightly practice the stages even without setting their feet on the prestigious university, nor even having a formal education.

The more he was surprised when I candidly affirmed the correctness of his thoughts and their practice. Thereafter, I discussed with them the interrelatedness of theory and practice. How theories are developed through observation of experiences. Just as how these theories are put into practice. Even touching the beauty of God’s creation and design, the wisdom in nature, and learning through life’s experience including the commercialization of education.  I pointed out their God-given wisdom and natural talents, including common sense, emphasizing not to be overly dependent on theories and academic preparation or the lack of it. I believe that wonderful encounter has boasted their morale, enhanced their confidence, bridged the gap between education and practice, and inspired them to continue their respective ministries.

I recall the aforementioned experience as part of my on-going journey, as I continue to wrestle with my lingering illness vis-à-vis faith and prayer. Losing my seemingly invincible stature, either real or imagined,   my health condition has exposed my vulnerability. I have been undergoing hands- on experience on issues of faith, prayer, sufferings, care of God, and all those things which can be easily resolved theoretically/spiritually.  Now, in a situation wherein the acid test of faith is required, I have to resolve these issues:  Can my faith indeed move mountains? If not, where lies the difference? Within me, or the kind of faith that I have? The care of God is out of question, here. It has become obvious by my own survival. If not for God’s care, I don’t think I would ever survive the test.

In the process of recollection, I found myself no longer the teacher but a student that has learned a wonderful lesson on theory and practice. I am no longer concerned with the theory to support my practice, of reason and explanation for my action. I just want to relate what I believe, regardless of correctness or soundness.  I want to speak out my mind and express my belief. Later, I will just analyze it or leave to the readers that task. Hebrews 11:1 has become real to me. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

One  night, while having trouble with sleep, I spent the time talking to God. Unlike in past when bothered by such situation,  this time I started  thanking Him for letting me experience the painful process of recovery. The delay has caused me a lot of trouble  and mixture of  thoughts and  questions on  God’s care, and his ambivalent provision. It has also exposed my faith when it  felt  short of getting what I asked for. On the other hand, the delay has given me  lot of lessons. I have experienced  significant changes within and without.Wonderful  ideas and  concepts have been developed. I have valued  the importance of health and holistic development of self. Just as I have realized my negligence and abuse of health. Likewise,  my  view of mission and God’s purpose has dramatically changed, as well as my understanding of church, ministry vis-à-vis the Kingdom of God.

After  the  thanksgiving narrative, my thoughts  turn into the issue of  justice. I realized that the slow and  painful process, including the long wait I have experienced  are  worth  the abuses and negligence I have done to my body.  Admittedly, I have abused my health, my body, deliberately or in deliberately, consciously or not. Hence,  I could not demand  for immediate recovery. Guilty, I felt I deserve the pain,  the price to pay.

I have resolved  to undergo the process and wait for natural recovery, while learn  to value health. As I continue to pray for the full recovery  sooner or later,  the meaning of  grace is becoming clearer to me. Should God hear my prayer and grant me the full recovery soon,  it would mean grace.  God’s grace that shortens the  justice demands. I realized, this is no longer a question of my  faith, for faith is not an unreasonable demand. It is an expectation of  grace beyond justice.
 

Even without receiving my birthday gift, I still thank the Lord

I had been expecting much for my 57th  Birthday last month.  Having been under medication due to vulnerable health condition for more than a year, I had high hopes of receiving my long requested gift from God - full recovery on my birthday. Such expectation is not without basis. Conditions have been favorable for its realization. There is considerable progress no matter how slow.  I have been faithful to medication, except on occasional drained resources. Religiously I watch my diet, daily walking exercise and other health-related activities with few light lapses.

What more, my inner self was  subdued to wait patiently to the Lord. Negative thoughts are controllable,  other mental baggage and emotions unloaded, liberally forgiving even the seemingly unforgivable.    Like a student trying hard to maintain the passing grades until graduation, I have been expecting to get the reward on my birthday. For me, it is a fair deal.  But two weeks before the expected day, the progress was reversed.

First, my  computer bogged down, followed by my own body. Although not necessarily related (but who really knows?), both point to my vulnerability. The laptop which had been my partner through thick and thin for more than three years just turned off. Having no resources for immediate replacement of expensive part, I have to squeeze my schedule with the kids for family computer until my sister-in-law lends me her own for a particular time.  

But it did not bridge the gap, right away.  Having been attached to the previous laptop, adjustment was not easy for me.  All blogging drafts and ideas were stored in it. Despite the gradual transfer of necessary files to alternate computer, I cannot take off in blogging and idea generation.  I realized the old laptop ceased to be a mere static electronic device.  It has become a personal partner which assists me even in generating ideas and plans. It appears to have a mind of its own, hastening the formulation of plans and project completion.

For more than a year of bout with chronic ailment, aside from the bible, the laptop has been my constant companion especially when bedridden. No matter how they wished to be always at my side during those moments,   my wife and kids had to attend to work and studies related activities, respectively. But the bible and the laptop have been constant companions 24/7. Hence, the significant gap with its loss.

As if to make matters worse, when I was about to adjust with an alternative computer, my body bogged down. With limited time for computer, I found another interest – gardening and yard cleaning. Hence, after 30 minutes of morning walking exercises, I extend some minutes in cultivating a plot with spade and digging canals in preparation for rainy season. The new-found diversion enhances my sweat glands which I feel beneficial for my nerve disorder. However, one day, I might have overstretched my capacity. Subsequently, my blood pressure shot up. Thereafter, it was not stabilized until two weeks of rest.

Feeling bad about the situation, the temptation to shoot endless questions alluding to God or blame oneself   dominated my thoughts. Early morning, on my birthday, I was about to start argument with God. However,   flashbacks of past memories dominated my thoughts. The pictures of mother’s story concerning the circumstances of my birth played the scene, followed by my father’s image. Then my brothers and our only sister. Soon my wife, kids and significant people that have influenced my life.  Until my mind was flooded with beautiful memories of the past events, and people I have worked with in development work, pastoral ministry, my colleagues in social work profession. Even those people I hurt and those who have wronged me, sans the ill feelings.

Overwhelmed by the grace of God for making me survive any storm in life, I almost cried. Subdued, I lost my argument. The only words I uttered is "sorry for my unbelief, for my doubt, for complaining, for failing to fully appreciate what you have done to me. At times, blaming you. I am sorry dear God and thank you for everything. If complete healing pleases  you   as my birthday gift, you know very well how happy I will be. If not, I know you will give it to me in the fullness of time."

After my prayer,  the scenario has changed.  I found peace and assurance all things will work out for good in due time, although I don’t know when and how. But the story does not end right away.  In the afternoon of my birthday, my wife arrived from Bacolod City bringing with her   a new laptop. Her birthday  gift for me. I love it.  I did not get what I want.  Still, I thank God for giving me what I need:  my wife’s  gift to record and blog the faith journey.  

Do I have to move mountains to prove my faith?

My sickness has given me sufficient time to rest, pray, meditate, read the bible, reflect and write. All the wonderful experiences  my previous hectic schedule deprived me. Among other things, I have been grateful to God for the subsequent  inner renewal taking place in my life. My faith has been strengthened every day.

During those extreme  moments when I was bed ridden, the bible became my constant companion. It continues to be, providing new insights and inspiration, no matter how many times I go over the books, chapters and verses. Literally or symbolically, the scripture has provided me relief, guidance, assurance,  and strength.

I  cannot count the times I revisit the Gospel. So much so, at times, I find myself on the actual scene of the encounters of Jesus with harsh realities of life. It is not difficult for me to realize his frustration with established, exclusivist religious structure and leadership and the skirmishes that follow. Likewise, the consequent effect of stirring the hornet of  exploitative system which takes its toll on his life and ministry.  I understand the jubilation of his followers and the tensions created by the triumphant entry leading to his crucifixion. The inevitable price of  advocating and standing for  the way, the truth and the life. I can easily identify with his concern for the poor, the deprived, the oppressed. My social work experience and involvement in the people’s struggle during the dark years of dictatorial rule in our country make me sensitive to the situation.    

Literally, I follow his teachings on forgiveness and love even the enemies. Though difficult it may be, I enjoy  its soothing effect to my soul. Even his exhortation concerning worries about the cares of the world including the daily needs  is feasible.  Although the expected provision does not always come on time, still I continue to follow his teachings. Whereas before, skipping daily maintenance due to lack of resources made me panic. Now, I take it as part of my healing process. Of course, at times my heart complains when deprived for weeks of the medicine. But I have to assure it that all things will work together for good and wait for the provision.

Yes,  I can attest that the teachings of Jesus are relevant, feasible and worthwhile.  But I stumbled on some things. Foremost, is his teachings on faith as recorded in  Mark 11:22-24.’'Have faith in God,' Jesus answered. 'I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, "Go, throw yourself into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Its realization appears to be elusive. Many times, I try but  fail. I  cannot  not even move my health condition into another level, no matter how I  apply  suggestions on the power of faith or power of  mind or a combination of both. But always, I find refuge on the belief that the fullness of time will soon come. The delay is part of God’s preparation for ministry. At times, I reflect:  Do I have  to move mountains to prove my faith?  

An invitation to blog

Hi, I am Edwin Ibanez Lariza, registered social worker and ordained baptist minister.

I am in the process of recovery from  lingering illness.  I was at the peak of  service when  attacked by chronic heart ailment, compounded by unusual nerve disorder.  Such condition has constrained my active life of service for more than a year now. Most of my time is spent at home due to limited mobility. The delay of complete healing makes me vulnerable to discouragement and depression.

A pastor- friend advised and taught me  blogging  to help the healing process.  Indeed, it works. In the process of sustaining the journal blog , my interest in writing has been revived. Hence, I  opened another blog to ventilate  my suppressed commitment to the service of the people towards development. Visit my networking for social development.

Just recently, I  am inspired to create  a sharing blog. A forum for life and  faith experiences of people who have survived the test of times and circumstances.  This is a venue for us to learn from one another and share  so that others will also find inspiration in their faith journey. Thus, this invitation to blog.