You know very well that my Christian conviction led me to the mainstream of the people’s struggle. I joined the ranks of those who dared to go against the tide. Most of those who responded came from different persuasions, belief and ideologies. Many were non religious, radicals, activists, and even communists whom our Christian circle avoided. Against the dominant conservative and seemingly apolitical stance of my religious denomination at that time, I joined the ecumenical group in solidarity with the struggling masses.
You have seen how the ambivalence continued .
While most in the community of faith turned to prayer, if not apathy, to guard themselves from the perceived influence of non religious ideologues dominating the scene,I have situated myself in the opposite side. This might have alarmed some brothers and sisters in faith. At one point, I was informed by a confidante, my name was included among the list of prayer requests during their morning devotional . The group was about to do their regular morning prayers to you when somebody saw me coming home from an overnight seminar. A member hurriedly requested for the inclusion of my name in the prayer list because, according to her, she was so concerned that I have already joined the underground movement. Of course, you know that after their prayer session some became suspicious, if not fearful, of me for having joined the infidels whose victory would eliminate the freedom of religion as foretold by some Christians in other countries.
Indeed, you have been amused on how we use small group prayer, sharing and meditation a sort of gossiping session. How we tend to intrude personal lives in the name of prayer concerns. How we deal with issues of justice, righteousness, forgiveness and reconciliation within our religious denomination and the outside world. I had the foretaste of how our leaders dispense justice when we exposed and protested against irregularities in our bible school. The administration retaliated by accusing us of violation of rules and regulations i.e. smoking. While we were both guilty, our lesser offense were meted with suspension. Of course, some members of the school board were honest enough to appreciate our courage to confront the irregularities and bring to their attention. Still, in their desire to save the institution, they had to maintain the status quo until the term of the administrator ended to avoid legal battle. We were just consoled by the thought that, in our youth, we had spared the institution from further trouble and assured of our return after the administrator is gone.
Whether such traumatic experience had a bearing on my pursuit of justice in the society, you know better than I do. But I am certain of your presence and grace in all my struggles including the spiritual ambivalence. There was even a time when in our ambivalence, especially during the intensification of the struggle, we often asked ourselves whether we would witness the dawn of a new day. Many of us had already resolved that we might not experience it. By your grace, I was one of the fortunate ones who witnessed the dawn brought about by the EDSA Revolution.
But it was a dazed dawn. Because after the euphoria , the political and ideological struggles resumed including the witch hunting activities. Having been identified with the left, those of us who returned to the mainstream became more vulnerable. Suspicion and cooptation from the government, on one hand because of our past record. While, on the other hand, an ambivalent relationship with the other side. We have also to deal with our Christian community who felt aggrieved by our hardheadedness to forsake the tradition. Many of us experienced isolation and the stigma of labeling. Some succumbed to pressures while others were victimized by psychological warfare. Either by will or forced by circumstances they were coopted and suffered isolation, threat or reprisal from former comrades. Worse, when the once solid movement were split resulting from some bloody skirmishes, confusions and complexities. But you were there to help me survive in such ambivalence.
(To be continued)
