Thank you, Lord for everything

Dear God,

Thank you for this new day you have added  to my life. Thank you for  the extended years and the corresponding blessings, changes and development within me and through me. You know how everyday I savor the beauty of life- one thing I had neglected in the past.

Image credit: indulgy.com

For,  before, I spent most of the day on  thinking what to do rather than appreciating  what  life brings with each passing moments. I failed to appreciate the beauty of rest and even sleep as I wished I could live without  them so that our work would remain unhampered. ‘Twas the peak of my leadership and service in pastoral ministry that we were gearing,  without delay, redeeming the time by taking advantage of favorable circumstances.  How many times, I  tried to defy the laws of nature, yes, my  human vulnerability and even impending death in vain attempt to do more for your glory and honor, believing  I had the immunity to face consequences  in the name of service.

It is only now that I learn to enjoy the natural gift you have given us – fresh air, sunlight, exercises, nature's beauty, new spirituality  as I cannot  start each  day without them. It is only now that I learn to appreciate and value all of my body parts for having sustained my well being despite my negligence and  abuse due to unhealthy lifestyle and mindset.  There was even a time when  I seemed to spite them for being weak to  protect myself and resist illness and sickness.  But after  undergoing the painful and  harrowing health related experience, I realized their strength and made at peace with them as I apologized for my shortcomings as steward of my body.    

It is only now that I value my parenthoood as my health condition  constrains my mobility, forcing me to stay at home after office work to supervise  household chores and our kids. It is in this experience that I become closer to my kids and  learn the harsh lessons that most of the things I don’t like in them are mere  product of my own doing.  One time, I had to  slap my head  when  confronting  them  on the late night’s sleep, they replied:” Haven’t  you remembered, father, when we were still children that we could not go to bed until we bid you goodnight? Oftentimes, you went home late and we had to  wait for you. Since then, we have been conditioned to sleep late.”

Image Credit: inspiringquotes.in 

For long, I had neglected this endeavor,  considering my work including voluntary ones, especially those related to ministry, as an excuse for  not getting involved in such "menial task." Worse, I even reinforced the challenges to my wife to join me in a worthwhile calling, depriving our kids of family togetherness during weekends. I cannot forget  the night when we were informed about the narrow escape of our kids from the flashflood brought by Typhoon Frank in 2008. My wife and I were in another province doing voluntary work and we had to finish our speaking engagement the following day before going home to process the traumatized kids.  But now, I enjoy trading wits, reasons and arguments with our teenage  daughter and two  sons to convince them of my agenda as they now have minds of  their own which I  cannot dictate. Every day is an interesting struggle as I try to catch up with whatever left within my influence towards their growth and development. 

I can cite more changes and realizations in my life and the corresponding blessings- all because of the near death experience I had four years ago. That was when I faced all the consequences of my negligence and abuse to my body. Still, I attempted to  defy them by invoking faith and the imperative of service, until  literary  I became unable to walk for even a couple  of  meters or talk for  half a dozen minutes. It was then when I started  blaming even you, dear Lord, for my fate, as if You didn’t care with the unfinished tasks all for your kingdom and glory. 

But you  seemed to keep your distance. And in your deafening silence, I realized  my frailties  and started to value each step that I take both physical and steps of faith.  I continue to experience the gradual and painful process of recovery up to now. Yet, inside me the healing is almost  complete which matters most.  For I know the healing inside will soon be reflected  in my whole being. For this, I thank you, Lord for all the trials that come my way and for the victory that growing brings as I continue with my faith journey.

Bogged down but not blogged out

The blogging lull in the couple of weeks in May was caused by systems bogged down. First the computer, followed by my own body. Although not necessarily related (but who really knows?), both point to my vulnerability. The laptop which had been my partner through thick and thin for more than three years just turned off. Having no resources for immediate replacement of expensive part, I have to squeeze my schedule with the kids for family computer until my sister-in-law lends me her own for a particular time.

But it did not bridge the gap, right away. Having been attached to the previous laptop, adjustment was not easy for me. All blogging drafts and ideas were stored in it. Despite the gradual transfer of necessary files to alternate computer, I cannot take off in blogging and idea generation. I realized the old laptop ceased to be a mere static electronic device. It has become a personal partner which assists me even in generating ideas and plans. It appears to have a mind of its own, hastening the formulation of plans and project completion.

For more than a year of bout with chronic ailment, aside from the bible, the laptop has been my constant companion especially when bedridden. No matter how they wished to be always at my side during those moments, my wife and kids had to attend to work and studies related activities, respectively. But the bible and the laptop have been constant companions 24/7. Hence, the significant gap with its loss.

As if to make matters worse, when I was about to adjust with an alternative computer, my body bogged down. With limited time for computer, I found another interest – gardening and yard cleaning. Hence, after 30 minutes of morning walking exercises, I extend some minutes in cultivating a plot with spade and digging canals in preparation for rainy season. The new-found diversion enhances my sweat glands which I feel beneficial for my nerve disorder. However, one day, I might have overstretched my capacity. Subsequently, my blood pressure shoot up. Thereafter, it was not stabilized until two weeks of rest.

Feeling bad about the situation, the temptation to shoot endless questions alluding to God or blame oneself dominated my thoughts. More so, that I had set my mind walking down the road to full recovery. Believing to have passed the painful test of times and circumstances, I religiously watched my steps and movements throughout the gradual healing process. Still, this vulnerability which almost put all things together to naught. In that context, one can understand my frustration.

Yet, the feeling was just temporary. Looking back to my past experiences, particularly on how God sustained me all through the pain and sufferings, I immediately discard any negative thought and entrust to Him everything. Then the scenario has changed. I found peace and assurance all things will work out for good in due time, although I don’t know when and how.

With such realization, I resumed blogging, First, posting my open letters to pastors and revising some contributions earlier published in other sites. Bear with me. I have been bogged down twice but not blogged out.
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The article was posted two years ago on my PADAYON blog. I found the article as I reviewed  God's grace in my faith journey which led me to higher ground.

Do I have to move mountains to prove my faith?

Exactly two years ago, this article was posted on this site. I still find its relevance today. Hence, the repost.

My sickness has given me sufficient time to rest, pray, meditate, read the bible, reflect and write. All the wonderful experiences  my previous hectic schedule deprived me. Among other things, I have been grateful to God for the subsequent  inner renewal taking place in my life. My faith has been strengthened every day.

During those extreme  moments when I was bed ridden, the bible became my constant companion. It continues to be, providing new insights and inspiration, no matter how many times I go over the books, chapters and verses. Literally or symbolically, the scripture has provided me relief, guidance, assurance,  and strength.

I  cannot count the times I revisit the Gospel. So much so, at times, I find myself on the actual scene of the encounters of Jesus with harsh realities of life. It is not difficult for me to realize his frustration with established, exclusivist religious structure and leadership and the skirmishes that follow. Likewise, the consequent effect of stirring the hornet of  exploitative system which takes its toll on his life and ministry.  I understand the jubilation of his followers and the tensions created by the triumphant entry leading to his crucifixion. The inevitable price of  advocating and standing for  the way, the truth and the life. I can easily identify with his concern for the poor, the deprived, the oppressed. My social work experience and involvement in the people’s struggle during the dark years of dictatorial rule in our country make me sensitive to the situation.    

Literally, I follow his teachings on forgiveness and love even the enemies. Though difficult it may be, I enjoy  its soothing effect to my soul. Even his exhortation concerning worries about the cares of the world including the daily needs  is feasible.  Although the expected provision does not always come on time, still I continue to follow his teachings. Whereas before, skipping daily maintenance due to lack of resources made me panic. Now, I take it as part of my healing process. Of course, at times my heart complains when deprived for weeks of the medicine. But I have to assure it that all things will work together for good and wait for the provision.

Yes,  I can attest that the teachings of Jesus are relevant, feasible and worthwhile.  But I stumbled on some things. Foremost, is his teachings on faith as recorded in  Mark 11:22-24.’'Have faith in God,' Jesus answered. 'I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, "Go, throw yourself into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Its realization appears to be elusive. Many times, I try but  fail. I  cannot  not even move my health condition into another level, no matter how I  apply  suggestions on the power of faith or power of  mind or a combination of both. But always, I find refuge on the belief that the fullness of time will soon come. The delay is part of God’s preparation for ministry. At times, I reflect:  Do I have  to move mountains to prove my faith?  

Faith conversation on scribbles of ambivalence

My  post  on  scribbles of ambivalence has elicited faith conversations in social media.  I shared the link  on my Facebook timeline with the following comment: "Thereafter, I had that sort of mystical experience- an inner peace, a sense of security and confidence that when I resumed reading the bible, I got struck by Revelation 3:20 in its literal sense."

Many liked  it while others  made comments.  An intriguing one came from a friend  and partner in development and volunteerism endeavors who is now based in the United States .  Below is our faith conversation.

Arlyn: “ Yes mystical experiences can never be questioned and I always take it with  ambivalence.”

Me: Thanks for your  comment which has  triggered more thoughts on ambivalence. It made me recall more of my faith journey in 1975. After the flashing effect of the literal interpretation of Revelation 3:20 on my psyche, which was sustained/fertilized by the insights from books on miracles by Pentecostal writers, I started to “walk by faith.”

Whereas before, I needed assistance to get out of bed, with the new found faith, I tried to walk out of the room after prayers of faith. And I succeeded. However, just when I thought it was a miracle and moved further and faster, I got exhausted and forced to lie  down on bed for some days. But I got thrilled with the new faith experience and continued the "walk with faith."

Until one afternoon, after much prayers and certainty, I decided to take a leap of faith outside our house carrying a wooden chair going to the river bank some hundred meters away from home to meditate and watch the sunset.(Of course, to the amazement or protest of my mother whose love and concern for me overcame all her ambivalence). Although exhausted, my faith had been strengthened by another success. Unfortunately, the weather appeared to be uncooperative. Dark clouds gradually enveloped the bright sky as if the forces of darkness wanted to mar the beauty of faith journey. Caught on ambivalent situation, I took it as test of faith.

Instead of retreating, I prayed to God to vanish the darkness. But the clouds appeared to be less threatened by prayers. I prayed more assuring God I won’t surrender my faith. The more the weather was agitated and shower started to fall. Undaunted, I held my ground with ambivalence, as raindrops keep falling over the leaves of banana and trees covering me .

And in the last ditch attempt to save my faltering faith, I closed my eyes and told God, “ I won’t leave this place. I know you hears and answers prayer and won’t fail me. Even it rains heavily, you will cover me with your grace.” As the sound of raindrops got louder, my meditation got deeper. And would you believe, Arlyn, despite heavy pouring of rain, not a single drop ever reached my head, as if somebody was shielding me. Amazed, I slowly opened my eyes. Guess what did I see?

Arlyn: What did you see?

Me: Dare to guess or your share your imagination?If you were in my place, what would you expect to see? Something that would strengthen your faith. Something that would convince you that, indeed, God hears and answers prayer.

Arlyn: You looked up and you saw big umbrella over your head...ah... it was your wife holding big umbrella up to protect  you from rain...

Me:  I was not married yet in 1975.

Arlyn: Then let's change wife to Mom .

 Me: This confirms my perception that you are a prophet.  Yes, I was so engrossed in prayer that I did not notice my mother holding the umbrella. Seems funny but at that time, it did not matter much to me whether my mother or an angel was shielding me from rain. What was important for me was the fact that God answered my prayer, that my faith had stood the test of time and circumstances. I went home together with my mother with a happy and grateful heart believing it was a miracle. My faith was strengthened. That experience, including the literal interpretation of a particular scripture had contributed to my healing.

I cannot help but smile as I recall and reflect on that experience.God could have been amused with my child like faith and alerted my mother, knowing the impact on my heart condition at that time had my prayer not answered. I wish to recapture some elements of that past faith experiences to guide me in my journey.

Arlyn: You really made me smile Rev. Lariza. But thanks for sharing. Child like faith is sometimes funny as we look back but we know in the heart of our hearts that this faith has guided our journey like the "pillar of fire" during the night and "pillar of clouds" during the day.