January 30, 2013

Scribbles of ambivalence: Looking back

While looking for materials to update my blog, I came across some drafts  saved  in computer files which were almost forgotten. I have decided to make a series of posts under  the scribbles of ambivalence. This  is the sequel of the  previous blog containing the first draft post encoded on September 9, 2012.

It is with  such thought that I am reminded of how God has saved me from my predicament during the  most critical moment in my life three years ago. I was at the peak of service when attacked by chronic heart ailment and hypertension. The scene during the most critical moment in my life has already been embedded in my mind. When I was about to make the last breath, my final thought was: “Not now, Lord… for my family… the CBMA…there are still evil to fight and conquer.

God took notice of that last appeal and sincere desire that He made me survive. Thereafter, I experienced the struggle  within and without, the ups and downs in the healing process. How I resisted illness by letting the mind dominated the body until my body would no longer listen to my mind. Until I was totally immobilized to the extent that I could no longer stand, walk and talk. That was when I accepted my limitation and  took the much needed rest. But the struggle did not end, right away.

Another struggle started- the struggle  within, the fight against depression. There came a point when  I even questioned God’s  discretion, considering  my unfinished tasks at the height of my ministry. How come He did not have to wait until I finished my term in a matter of three months? When all I was doing, including sacrifices, was for the good of the pastors and churches. It was there when I felt humiliated with the thought that human as I am, I had that degree of concern for the ministry. How much more for  God who gave his only begotten son to suffer and give his life for humanity.

I then recalled  the slow and painful process of healing, the healing inside, renewal of  mindset, changes in my life style. How I exercised  my faith by  taking one step at a time. And how these slow and painful experiences made me value the process apart from the changes within.     The long and painful process of recovery has become a purging process to me and almost daily I experience healing inside.

There was a point in my life when I even recalled my experience during the first attack in 1975 and how a literal interpretation of the Scripture became the turning point  in my  healing process. For weeks, I was terrorized by chest pain, difficulty in breathing and nightmares. My sleep had been interrupted with night sweats caused  by the piles of pillows  on my back to elevate my head and chest.

My heart condition was so fragile that I had to be bedridden for months with limited activity apart from reading the bible and prayer. I could not even speak longer than few minutes. I had repeated reading the 66 books in the bible many times. I had reached the point when I felt ready to go to the beyond. The only thing holding me was the thought that I was too young to die and I had not maximize my time to serve. Hence,  I made an earnest, sincere bargain to God for  just one  year to live so that I could serve Him fully well.

Thereafter, I had that sort of mystical experience – an  inner peace, a sense of security and confidence that when I  resumed reading the bible, I got struck by  Revelation 3:20 in its literal sense.  Upon reading the verse “ Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me” I realized I had nothing to fear with my heart ailment. Because  Jesus was already in my heart when I accepted Him as personal Lord and Savior. Even when the worst condition come for the heart to stop its beat, Jesus being inside can make it move again. After that, every time I felt the pain, murmurs or any other abnormal sensation in my heart, that particular verse eliminated my fear.

My readings of the bible and miracle books had influenced me to apply the faith experience and how these improve my condition. I think I have to recall that first experience and  learn lessons to guide me now on this ambivalence. Thank you, God.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your faith journey. Your victory stands as another proof of God's Mighty power over any infirmity. Continue to moving forward in faith.