Scribbles of ambivalence

While looking for materials to update my blog, I came across some drafts  saved  in computer files which were almost forgotten. I have decided to make a series of posts under  the scribbles of ambivalence. This  first draft post was encoded on September 9, 2012.

“Last night, in prayer, I realized I have more to thank the Lord than my perceived deprivation. Until now, there is no medical ruling on  my abnormal condition of heat intolerance pending Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI). What was clear in my previous laboratories are the problem with supply of oxygen to my brain, mitral regurgitation, larger than usual hole on my head. And of course,  hypertension.

While the problem with my heart is already given as it has been consistently manifested since 1975 with two succeeding attacks in 17 years interval, my nerve problem or should I say abnormal sensation is still a mystery. My heart problem, though clearly  existent, is seemingly manageable. Maintaining a stress-free life, healthy lifestyle- keeping watch of food intake with more on vegetables, fruits and fish, less cholesterol laden foodstuff, regular exercise, sleeping habit, self control as far as my emotion/anger, physical activities, meditation. All these are under my control.

What is beyond my control, which always gives me discomfort and makes me vulnerable, is the problem with my adjustment to less ventilated condition. There seems to be a failure in the regulatory system in my body. There is heat sensation inside me all over the body that can be attributed to blood circulation. The moment the external condition is hot, humid and without direct air to hit my head, I become vulnerable to heat exhaustation  leading to heat stroke.  Such condition is  stressful to my heart. My water intake is inexhaustible like an engine experiencing an overheat.  I was hospitalized last Summer 2010 because  of such condition which was nearly fatal, had it not been for the first aid tips I learned from the web.

Most often, I felt distress thinking about it. More so, that it is almost  three years that I became hostage to this situation. That’s why my mobility is limited within the university campus where I also reside. I only find comfort at home and in my office because I have already set up a mechanism to adapt to the environment. But I find discomfort every time I have meetings or appointments outside my comfort zones. Most often, I situate my self in an area with direct hit of air conditioner/electric fan at the discomfort of persons beside me. That’s why I always arrive early in the venue. Failure to do so makes me go out of the room from time to time to refresh myself or leave the meeting the moment the condition is intolerable.  The vulnerable  condition has prevented me to accept engagement/ invitation to meetings outside the campus or city, no matter how I want to go.

A neurologist suspected a problem with my hypothalamus which serves as the heat regulator. Hence, she recommended MRI. But lack of resources constrains me to undergo the process. Once, two friends  provided  me an amount. However, there was no MRI machine in the hospital where he issued a cheque. So, I underwent a nerve study instead. The findings revealed no problem with my nerves. I used the remaining amount for the basic  needs of my family due to necessity.

This condition makes me, from time-to-time, sad, especially the sense of deprivation we experience.  I thought to myself, had I been endowed with resources, I could have known my actual condition and undergo treatment and subsequent relief. On the second thought, I consoled myself from stories about rich people whose health condition was never solved, some getting worse, despite their inexhaustible resources."

(to be continued)