I have this ambivalent feeling. Much as I want to live a stress-free life to enhance healing, the situation calls for participation to continue the change we started. I may again offend other people. I know truth hurts and have no intention to do such harm to anyone. It is not even my desire to always stand for what is true, just, and right for it will surely create tension, friction and even stress. I love peace and serenity. I even avoid stressful task and confine my life within regular work, meditation, and blogging to compensate my physical limitation in service.
Yet, deep within me is the guilt feeling when I continue to remain silent amidst the search for truth. More so, when only a few dare to speak up, which can be easily marginalized, as others have already mastered the art of cover up and pacification. No wonder, the problem has become systemic and complicated, difficult to unwind. For in my desire to follow you, I feel motivated to make a stand for the way, the truth and the life.
I long for the days when I have no keen knowledge on exploitation, oppression, injustices, human rights violation in any system, be it in the government, church, organization and institution. When my life is confined to traditional ministry. When my only concern is to spread the gospel and win souls for Christ. You know very well how I enjoy the life of an evangelist, going up to the mountains, unaware of the risks, just to spread the message of God’s love and salvation and invite sinners to come home and receive redemption. When we do street preaching in season and out of season, people’s reaction do not bother us, be it favorable or otherwise. We commit to you the result, without minding our limitations. I thought that would be my lifetime call. I always feel motivated to preach the gospel. And consider everything, literally everything as fulfillment of your will, even my failures, shortcomings, or sheer negligence in our part.
But changes come, not necessarily on my desire or quest. I was exposed to another environment where I have to wrestle with my traditional belief. It started with the issue of multi-ministry against mono-ministry. Later, the social gospel, theology of struggle/liberation and related issues. You know very well how I resist any attempt to downgrade my conservative beliefs. How I defend my position against radical and progressive students who appear to undermine traditional practice in the name of change.
Ironically, in my attempt to minister to the political detainees to convert them (and testify later on how the hard core ideologues are transformed into a conservative Christian), I experience the other way around. My conversion takes place, instead, not necessarily to their ideology or cause. But the commitment in service. Their undaunted spirit and dedication to minister to the least of our brothers and sisters in need. They appear to be better Samaritans than we Christians, nay, ministers. Ashamed of myself, for lacking that zeal, I try to make amends.
Worse, the situation during my realization is different from the context of the Good Samaritan. The victims are many, and unlike in the previous case, they are not left on isolated place, needing help. I could have done the acts of the Good Samaritan in similar situation, immediately caring for the victim and exhaust all the means to save him. However, I am a witness to the action: the robbery, the violence, the oppression taking place. Not so many responded, some fear for their own safety as the perpetrators are too powerful and rude.
Most of those who responded come from different persuasions, belief and ideologies. Many are non religious, radicals, activists, and even communists whom we Christians avoid. I can count with my fingers ministers of God from different religions.
Somehow, I feel the shame for failure to respond immediately. At first, I think of waiting for the robbers to leave the victim after looting and follow the Good Samaritan. But I know it would be a long wait. The situation seems to prolong unless many more would help to overpower the perpetrators. I have no other choice but to stand to my Christian principle and conviction and pay the price. Thereafter, I always experience this ambivalence.
(to be continued)
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