Thank you, Lord for everything

Dear God,

Thank you for this new day you have added  to my life. Thank you for  the extended years and the corresponding blessings, changes and development within me and through me. You know how everyday I savor the beauty of life- one thing I had neglected in the past.

Image credit: indulgy.com

For,  before, I spent most of the day on  thinking what to do rather than appreciating  what  life brings with each passing moments. I failed to appreciate the beauty of rest and even sleep as I wished I could live without  them so that our work would remain unhampered. ‘Twas the peak of my leadership and service in pastoral ministry that we were gearing,  without delay, redeeming the time by taking advantage of favorable circumstances.  How many times, I  tried to defy the laws of nature, yes, my  human vulnerability and even impending death in vain attempt to do more for your glory and honor, believing  I had the immunity to face consequences  in the name of service.

It is only now that I learn to enjoy the natural gift you have given us – fresh air, sunlight, exercises, nature's beauty, new spirituality  as I cannot  start each  day without them. It is only now that I learn to appreciate and value all of my body parts for having sustained my well being despite my negligence and  abuse due to unhealthy lifestyle and mindset.  There was even a time when  I seemed to spite them for being weak to  protect myself and resist illness and sickness.  But after  undergoing the painful and  harrowing health related experience, I realized their strength and made at peace with them as I apologized for my shortcomings as steward of my body.    

It is only now that I value my parenthoood as my health condition  constrains my mobility, forcing me to stay at home after office work to supervise  household chores and our kids. It is in this experience that I become closer to my kids and  learn the harsh lessons that most of the things I don’t like in them are mere  product of my own doing.  One time, I had to  slap my head  when  confronting  them  on the late night’s sleep, they replied:” Haven’t  you remembered, father, when we were still children that we could not go to bed until we bid you goodnight? Oftentimes, you went home late and we had to  wait for you. Since then, we have been conditioned to sleep late.”

Image Credit: inspiringquotes.in 

For long, I had neglected this endeavor,  considering my work including voluntary ones, especially those related to ministry, as an excuse for  not getting involved in such "menial task." Worse, I even reinforced the challenges to my wife to join me in a worthwhile calling, depriving our kids of family togetherness during weekends. I cannot forget  the night when we were informed about the narrow escape of our kids from the flashflood brought by Typhoon Frank in 2008. My wife and I were in another province doing voluntary work and we had to finish our speaking engagement the following day before going home to process the traumatized kids.  But now, I enjoy trading wits, reasons and arguments with our teenage  daughter and two  sons to convince them of my agenda as they now have minds of  their own which I  cannot dictate. Every day is an interesting struggle as I try to catch up with whatever left within my influence towards their growth and development. 

I can cite more changes and realizations in my life and the corresponding blessings- all because of the near death experience I had four years ago. That was when I faced all the consequences of my negligence and abuse to my body. Still, I attempted to  defy them by invoking faith and the imperative of service, until  literary  I became unable to walk for even a couple  of  meters or talk for  half a dozen minutes. It was then when I started  blaming even you, dear Lord, for my fate, as if You didn’t care with the unfinished tasks all for your kingdom and glory. 

But you  seemed to keep your distance. And in your deafening silence, I realized  my frailties  and started to value each step that I take both physical and steps of faith.  I continue to experience the gradual and painful process of recovery up to now. Yet, inside me the healing is almost  complete which matters most.  For I know the healing inside will soon be reflected  in my whole being. For this, I thank you, Lord for all the trials that come my way and for the victory that growing brings as I continue with my faith journey.

Count your blessings, never the failings

Early this morning while doing a regular walking exercise, a friend sends me a text message. He was the one I referred to in my other blog who beyond my expectation volunteered to shoulder my magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan which has long been delayed due to lack of resources. However, since the hospital to which he addressed the cheque does not have the machine, I underwent a nerve study instead.

Here’s his message. Six things to keep in mind:

First, make peace with the past so it won’t screw up the present.

Second, what other people think of you is none of your business. You can never please every one.

Third, time heals almost everything.

Fourth, no one is in charge of your happiness except yourself.

Fifth, don’t compare your life to that of others and don’t judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

And lastly, SMILE. You don’t own all the problems in the world. Think positive. Tell yourself: It’s gonna be a great weekend. And I’m gonna make a difference in someone’s life today.

Much earlier, in my meditation, I resolved the nagging concerns about my actual condition which crop up every time I am confronted with health-related issues triggered by various circumstances.

Last month, a pastor friend shared his health condition through group email. How he underwent rigid examination in Manila by persuasion of his friend and the result of those tests. The angiogram revealed that there are seven blockages in his coronary arteries and thus needing a heart by-pass operation as soon as possible. He was advised to prepare almost a million pesos for the process. Few days ago, his wife updated us of the successful operation and the improve in his condition.

His case is significant to me because it was just last January when we came to know each other. He invited me to serve as one of the resource persons in a missionary training program under his supervision. I was impressed by his commitment and his deep seated faith in God while sharing our health condition.

At that time, he was so concerned with my situation and even encouraged me to take the food supplement recommended to him by another friend because of its healing effect. Then he also shared his heart condition which we took lightly compared to my own condition. Although I was about to advise him to see a cardiologist, his faith both to God and to food supplement overwhelmed me.

Thus, I was quite disturbed upon knowing the gravity of his condition and the subsequent medication. Inevitably, I compared my case which might have been worse than him based on the manifestations during our sharing. Unlike him, I did not have the privilege of undergoing rigid examination due to lack of resources.
We were drained out of resources because of my previous hospitalizations and daily maintenance to the extent that I let go of some recommended tests to rule out the root causes of my infirmities.

While entertaining such thought, the feeling of insecurities started to creep into my being. The same feeling every time I read from national dailies how government officials and their families easily spent millions of pesos for medication. The wanton spending of huge amounts by them which become scandalous and the subject of allegations and accusations. The wishful thinking that had I been endowed with such resources, I could have been healed earlier, availing myself with sophisticated equipment for diagnose and expensive process of medication that only the privileged few can afford.

However, when I was about to feel really bad, I remembered the comment of a friend after knowing my painful experiences. He was impressed on how lucky I have been for being alive despite all odds. He told me about the case of his other friends who have all the resources in life yet remained in the very delicate health condition.

Past events swiftly flashed back into my mind. How God snatched me from death and provided my resources during hospitalization and the subsequent crisis even until now. How just the time we almost gave up, came His answers to our needs. How the delay in the healing process has effected the inner renewal resulting to a new lifestyle.

I realized how fortunate I have been to experience healing without spending much amount. Then came the thought that if indeed my condition really need all those sophisticated diagnosis and expensive medication, would not God also provide the resources as He has been doing in our lives. Relieved, I thanked God for His grace.

Such was experience when I received the aforementioned text message while doing the regular walking exercise. I decided to encode the message, as well as my experience. Until I realized this is a good material for blogging. Thus, this blog to inspire others. Enjoy your day by counting your blessings, never the failings.

_________________

A repost from my  other blog  published on March 10, 2012 because of its relevance to our faith journey

Even without receiving my birthday gift, I still thank the Lord

I had been expecting much for my 57th  Birthday last month.  Having been under medication due to vulnerable health condition for more than a year, I had high hopes of receiving my long requested gift from God - full recovery on my birthday. Such expectation is not without basis. Conditions have been favorable for its realization. There is considerable progress no matter how slow.  I have been faithful to medication, except on occasional drained resources. Religiously I watch my diet, daily walking exercise and other health-related activities with few light lapses.

What more, my inner self was  subdued to wait patiently to the Lord. Negative thoughts are controllable,  other mental baggage and emotions unloaded, liberally forgiving even the seemingly unforgivable.    Like a student trying hard to maintain the passing grades until graduation, I have been expecting to get the reward on my birthday. For me, it is a fair deal.  But two weeks before the expected day, the progress was reversed.

First, my  computer bogged down, followed by my own body. Although not necessarily related (but who really knows?), both point to my vulnerability. The laptop which had been my partner through thick and thin for more than three years just turned off. Having no resources for immediate replacement of expensive part, I have to squeeze my schedule with the kids for family computer until my sister-in-law lends me her own for a particular time.  

But it did not bridge the gap, right away.  Having been attached to the previous laptop, adjustment was not easy for me.  All blogging drafts and ideas were stored in it. Despite the gradual transfer of necessary files to alternate computer, I cannot take off in blogging and idea generation.  I realized the old laptop ceased to be a mere static electronic device.  It has become a personal partner which assists me even in generating ideas and plans. It appears to have a mind of its own, hastening the formulation of plans and project completion.

For more than a year of bout with chronic ailment, aside from the bible, the laptop has been my constant companion especially when bedridden. No matter how they wished to be always at my side during those moments,   my wife and kids had to attend to work and studies related activities, respectively. But the bible and the laptop have been constant companions 24/7. Hence, the significant gap with its loss.

As if to make matters worse, when I was about to adjust with an alternative computer, my body bogged down. With limited time for computer, I found another interest – gardening and yard cleaning. Hence, after 30 minutes of morning walking exercises, I extend some minutes in cultivating a plot with spade and digging canals in preparation for rainy season. The new-found diversion enhances my sweat glands which I feel beneficial for my nerve disorder. However, one day, I might have overstretched my capacity. Subsequently, my blood pressure shot up. Thereafter, it was not stabilized until two weeks of rest.

Feeling bad about the situation, the temptation to shoot endless questions alluding to God or blame oneself   dominated my thoughts. Early morning, on my birthday, I was about to start argument with God. However,   flashbacks of past memories dominated my thoughts. The pictures of mother’s story concerning the circumstances of my birth played the scene, followed by my father’s image. Then my brothers and our only sister. Soon my wife, kids and significant people that have influenced my life.  Until my mind was flooded with beautiful memories of the past events, and people I have worked with in development work, pastoral ministry, my colleagues in social work profession. Even those people I hurt and those who have wronged me, sans the ill feelings.

Overwhelmed by the grace of God for making me survive any storm in life, I almost cried. Subdued, I lost my argument. The only words I uttered is "sorry for my unbelief, for my doubt, for complaining, for failing to fully appreciate what you have done to me. At times, blaming you. I am sorry dear God and thank you for everything. If complete healing pleases  you   as my birthday gift, you know very well how happy I will be. If not, I know you will give it to me in the fullness of time."

After my prayer,  the scenario has changed.  I found peace and assurance all things will work out for good in due time, although I don’t know when and how. But the story does not end right away.  In the afternoon of my birthday, my wife arrived from Bacolod City bringing with her   a new laptop. Her birthday  gift for me. I love it.  I did not get what I want.  Still, I thank God for giving me what I need:  my wife’s  gift to record and blog the faith journey.